Friday, September 19, 2008

Chronicles of My Life With a Blonde, part 8: Laundry Logic

Blonde spouse begins to throw all colors of laundry and white into washer. He only fills it 1/4 full and proceeds to turn the wash water to large load.

Brunnette self, water conscious, asks what the F*** he is doing.

Blonde spouse looks at Brunnette self like she's a moron, "Adding more water will keep the reds from staining the whites."

Chronicles of My Life with a Blonde, part 7: The Jenga Fire

Blondes + Lamp Oil + "Fire From Space!" = Part 7, of Chronicles of My Life with a Blonde: "The Jenga Fire."

Whilst camping, Brunnette self ponders the sanity of what's she's about to ask of Blondus Spousus of the Leo Signus Pyro-ness, but decides to risk it..."Would you please start a cooking fire in the fire pit?"

Blonde spouse bangs wood on a rock with hatchet to make a large pile of kindling. Brunnette self swears she hears a faint series of "ughs" drifting on the wind...wonders if her My Space friend, Sasquatch, has decided to crash the party.

Blonde spouse begins to erect large tower of kindling in infinity style Jenga pattern, until the tower is nearly 8 inches high. Brunnette self -- torn -- between the satiating with inquiry the morbid curiosity on why Blonde spouse is making a tower with no coals beneath it to start the kindling on fire...and watching to see the rationale of Blondus Spousus of the Leo Signus Pyro-ness of building the campfire upside down, wondering if at any moment he will declare "JENGA!"

Alas, morbid curiosity wins..."Honey," Brunnette self musters.

"Yes, dear." Blondus Spousus of the Leo Signus Pyro-ness

"Why are you building the campfire upside down?"

"So the coals are higher up and closer to the cooking grill."

Brunnette self gulps and hides the lamp oil.

Chronicles of My Life With a Blonde, part 6: Baby Barricades

With the birth of our daughter, my blonde spouse decided it was safest to 'contain' her in one room while he cooked dinners. Each night I would come home, be unable to open the door...knock and wait 5 minutes while a great racket arouse on the other side of the door. My blonde spouse, decided baby fences were not 'enough.' Instead, he created the ever growing "baby barricade." Blonde spouse's "Baby Barricades" were an arrangement of furniture (usually endtables and chairs), with pillows and blankets shoved underneath them, and pots and pans along the top...a sort of alarm system, of sorts. We found "Baby Barricades" also made exceptional "Catch the Teens Sneaking Outs" or "Crooks Sneaking Ins" alarm systems as well, not to mention the ever popular "Blow out your discs in your back taking a midnight trip to the fridge" diet coaches as well.

Chronicles of My Life with a Blonde, part 5: Banned Tools

Blonde spouse, "I think I'll change that burnt out light bulb in the bedroom light fixture."

Brunette self mumbles, "Let me make sure we're current on the health insurance."

Blonde spouse disappears into the bedroom. Cussing and swearing float back down the hallway to my waiting brunette ears...followed by hammering...HAMMERING?!? and..."Hooooneeeeeeey, I need your help!" *sigh*

Brunette self wanders down the hall and into the bedroom, where blonde spouse stands on stepladder, holding entire light fixture (now with short in the wiring) danging ON between his arms..."ouch-ouch-ouch-ouch! It's hot!" blonde spouse whines.

Brunnette self counts to 10, asks blonde spouse why he didn't turn off the light first and then unscrew the glass covers, followed by unscrewing of the lightbulb from the socket leading to screwing in a new bulb. "THEY UNSCREW?!?"

*brunette head bangs against wall*

3 trips to the hardware store to fix wire short, buy new mount screw for fixture: $25.
2 hours of swearing under breath while fixing light fixture: exhausting.
Writing another episiode of Chronicles of My Life With a Blonde: PRICELESS.

Chronicles of My Life with a Blonde, part 4: FASHION


Blonde daughter presents herself in the above attire, gleefully informing me that blonde spouse of mine has selected this outfit for her. I wander into the room where spouse is diligently surfing the internet and ask, "What were you thinking?" and point at said blonde daughter. Blonde spouse glances at blonde daughter, looks at me and replies, "But they match...they're pink!"

Chronicles of My Life with a Blonde, part 3: Drunk Driver

On the freeway, blonde spouse is driving and brunnette self notices we are now weaving back and forth in our lane. Brunnette self looks over at blonde spouse, who is gleefully chugging a Henry Weinart's Root Beer. Brunnette self also notices several other drivers reaching for cell phones to report 'root beer' drunk driver. Mentions to blonde spouse that chugging a beverage that looks like beer may not be the wisest of choices while driving and weaving. Blonde spouse cannot fathom why, states if they are so concerned they can buy their own Root Beer. *smacks forehead*

Chronicles of My Life with a Blonde, part 2: Paying Bills

Brunette self: "The check to pay the Home Depot bill is right by the door."

Blonde spouse: "Ok."

Brunette self: "Do you have your Home Depot card?"

Blonde spouse: "S***!" (Bedroom, bathroom and kitchen are ripped to shreds.)

Blonde spouse: "Found it."

Brunette self: "See you in about an hour."

Blonde spouse: "Ok."

(Discovery of check next to door about 25 minutes after blonde departs. Calls cell phone.)

Brunette self: "Where are you?"

Blonde spouse: "Home Depot."

Brunette self: "You missing anything?"

Blonde spouse: "Nope. Got my card, my id, my wallet, my car keys, my cell phone."

Brunette self: "How about a check to pay the bill?"

Blonde spouse: "Crap."

Chronicles of My Life with a Blonde, part 1: Running Errands

Brunette self: "So you're gonna go to Costco after picking up the kids?"

Blonde spouse: "Of course."

Brunette self: "Do you have your Costco card?"

Blonde spouse: "Of course."

Brunette self: "Are you sure?"

Blonde spouse: "Of course."

Brunette self: "Ok, drive safe."

Blonde spouse: "Of course." (Pitter patter of Blonde spouse feet down the front steps, followed by a car door slamming and the sound of the car backing out the driveway. Puppy petting commences. 5 minutes later the sound of a car pulling into the driveway, followed by a car door slamming and the sound of stomping up the front steps).

Brunette self: "What did you forget?"

Blonde spouse: "The Costco card."