Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Chronicles of My Life With a Blonde, part 13: The UnHandy Handyman

On Wednesday of last week, the Blonde Spouse and Brunette Self agreed that the main bathroom shower/tub unit needed recalking. Blonde Spouse heartily agreed to take on the task. Brunette Self feels sense of foreboding. *shudders*

"Hon?" Brunette Self ventures.

"Yea, babe."

"Do you know where you put the caulking gun and supplies?" Queries Brunette Self, and directs reader to refer to part 12: Dis-Organization for further details. "We cannot afford to get more caulking and a new caulking gun right now, King County wants their blood--er, TAX money on the 31st."

Blonde Spouse diligently removes trim around top of tub/base of shower surround and treats area with mildew preventer. Blonde Spouse places trim, with nails still in it, with nails pointing upward on the base of the tub. Brunette Self asks why nail points are pointing up (and figures explaining REMOVING NAILS FROM TRIM IS MOST SAFE OPTION is too difficult and lengthy to get into at the moment), and Blonde Spouse snappingly replies it's so the nails don't scratch the tub. *BITES TONGUE*

Blonde Spouse forgot to remove remaining tidbits of caulking prior to using mildew preventer. Tidbits of Napalm like caulking hang dripping with mildew preventer (that Brunette Self is highly allergic to) around the shower surround. Blonde Spouse also forgot to take into account drying time of mildew preventer, thus extending the project back into his work week. Brunette self, several eye rolls later and pondering if we can budget in anti-histamines to combat the welts and swelling, offers to complete the project if Blonde Spouse will locate caulking and caulking gun.

Blonde Spouse states, "There behind the door in the master bathroom."

Brunette self simply ignores nagging need to try to rationalize why Blondus Spousus Dis-Organizedus would consider this the most prime location for home maintenance supplies, and simply says, "Ok."

It is now Sunday of next week, Brunette Self has managed to remove napalm dripping caulk tidbits from unit without putting herself into the hospital. Brunette looks behind doors in master bathroom for caulking supplies and gun...no caulking supplies and gun.

Brunette Self musters up the courage to educate Blonde Spousus of the Work Week Grumpus on Monday evening, "Hon, the caulking stuff wasn't where you said it would be. Are you sure you didn't move it?"

Blonde Spousus of the Work Week Grumpus pretends not to hear Brunette Self. This tells Brunette Self that Blonde Spousus of the Work Week Grumpus has dis-organized these items so far that even he does not know where they are...they are indefinitely MIA.

Having a family of four share one bathroom for the next two weeks awaiting Blonde Spousus Dis-Organizedus' next paycheck in order to purchase new caulking supplies and gun: ANNOYING.


Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Chronicles of My Life with a Blonde, part 12: "Dis-Organization"

I've come to realize that my Blonde Spouse has some pretty odd habits when it comes to organization. He will look at a box of random items, select the biggest thing in the box (say, "a pan") and determine it is all kitchen stuff. We've lived in our house for over 4 years now, and I still can't find everything he "organized."
Yet, Blonde Spouse is surprisingly anal about the weirdest things: his pillows must be arranged perfectly perpendicular to each other in order to sleep, toilet paper must be folded and not bunched, just to name a few.
My Brunette Virgo-ness has begun to wear off on Blonde Spouse, the last time he packed for a camping trip, he proudly announced, "I have made a list." My Brunnete Virgo-ness' heart jumped with joy and promptly fell to my shoes when he presented me with "the list."
"The list" consisted of a complex drawing with arrows, curved lines connecting items and the occasional "oh, shit, I don't know where that is" comment. There were bubbles connected to other bubbles, big X's over duplicate items, etc. Blonde Spouse determined that we required 6 rolls of toilet paper (for a two day trip), replacement flashlight bulbs, but apparently plates and silverware were not important items...neither was propane or the tent. ?? I attempted to point this out but angered Blonde Spouse, who stated "I can do this!"
We arrived at said campsite to discover he had packed the tent (after I suggested it), but forgot the poles. We had 3 replacement light bulbs but no batteries for the flashlights. We had six rolls of toilet paper but no biodegradable chemical for the port-a-potty. We had tarps but no rope to hang them. We had signs to post but no staples to post them. *sigh* Brunette Virgo-ness has taken over the packing lists, and has resigned herself to composing a "secret" list to assure this never happens again.

Friday, October 3, 2008

Chronicles of My Life with a Blonde, part 11: Ordering Take-Out

Sometimes my Brunette Self is afraid to order anything with Blonde Spouse, fearing disgruntled food service workers may spit in my food in frustration with the order.

We roll up to the order menu, “May I take your order.”

Blonde Spouse, “I’ll take a cheeseburger, please. No ketchup but mustard, no tomato but onion, no pickles but mayonnaise.”

Disgruntled food service worker, “So, you want a cheeseburger with pickles and mayonnaise?”

Blonde Spouse, “No! No pickles but mayonnaise, with onions but no tomato and no ketchup but mustard.”

Disgruntled food service worker, “So you want a cheeseburger plain?”

Angry Blonde Spouse, “NO! Mayonnaise no ketchup, mustard no pickles, onions no tomato!”

Brunette Self, “I’ll just get a #3, please. Surprise me on the pop.”

Angry Blonde Spouse, “Did you get that?”

Disgruntled food service worker, “*audible sigh of annoyance* Please pull forward to the first window.”

Brunette Self turns to Blonde Spouse, “Why don’t you just order a cheeseburger with mayonnaise, onion and mustard?”

Blonde Spouse, “Because that would be too complicated.”

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Chronicles of My Life with a Blonde, part 10: Painting the Fence

A few years ago we installed a 6 foot tall wooden privacy fence in our backyard and drowned it in clear sealer. Sadly, only two years later, it needed to be re-sealed.

The original sealer did a lousy job of keeping it's beautiful cedarness, so we opted to stain it this time around in addition to sealing the wood. We only had enough redwood stain to do one side of the fence, and enough red mahogany stain to do the other side.

Brunette self, "Hon, why don't we mix the two stains together?"

Blonde spouse, "Why would we do that? We might run out of color!"

Brunette self, taking deep breath, "Honey, wouldn't we run out regardless of whether or not we mixed them, since we have equal parts of both?"

Blonde spouse, "No way! I'm going to paint the outside redwood and the inside mahogany!" Result? Two toned fence.

Brunette self resorts to abandoning ill-logical debate and wonders if Blonde spouse shouldn't be running for president.

Chronicles of My Life with a Blonde, part 9: Urinal Soap

We went camping for my friend's "21 again" birthday, in which our usual campsite had been closed. We found ourselves, begrudgingly, at a new site hosting no water but a port-a-potty.

As Oponn and I journeyed to town to purchase water, we left our daughters (Oponn's Nemo, age3; and my Ana, age 4) in the care of the Blondus Spousus of the Dingle-Dorfus.

Upon our return, we discovered Ana had a terrible bout of diarrhea. Taking Ana to the port-a-potty for her third trip of the afternoon, I stayed to keep her company while she finished. Ana points to the urinal on the side of the port-a-potty and asks me what the pink 'soap' is for. I look at Ana and tell her, "Ew, that's where boys pee!"

Ana, looking quite mortified, exclaimed angrily, "But Daddy (Blondus Spousus of the Dingle-Dorfus) said it was soap! He did!"

I sigh and turn to yell down the hill to Blondus Spousus of the Dingle-Dorfus and ask him if he did, indeed, advise the girls the urinal cake was "soap." Blondus Dorkus yelled back that he had, citing he felt it was safer than referring to it as "cake."

Ana began to cry and said, "Daddy said it was soap, so Nemo and I washed our hands with it." Aha…no wonder child is experiencing diarrhea. Spray down both children in lysol and demand Blondus Dorkus be in charge of their diarrhea the rest of the weekend.

Unbelievably, Blondus Spousus of the Dingle-Dorfus is still breathing!