Friday, December 5, 2008

Chronicles of My Life with a Blonde, part15: Medication Mgmt

With the turn of the seasons always comes the rounds of colds and flu in our home, and this year was to be no exception.

Our 5 year old daughter and Blonde Spouse Sniffle-uf-a-gus came down with the nasties first, immediately going into massive snot production and dry cough hackiness.

Blonde Spouse Sniffle-uf-a-gus ventured out to the market to buy cough drops to help with the hackiness that threatened to leave them both parallyzed in fits and waves of coughing.

Most of this first day, Blonde Spouse Sniffle-uf-a-gus diligently gives daughter and himself a cough drop every 2 hours to help with the cough. Oddly, the hacking is unabated. Daughter is overly willing to take a cough drop, something she usually despises as it "tastes all funny."

Brunette Self begins to wonder if the cold is now a "super bug" and investigates medication Blonde Spouse Sniffle-uf-a-gus brought home from the market, now tucked in on the back of the counter.

Brunette Self is greeted with this:


Brunette Self bites tongue and suggest a cough drop with an actual horeshound derivative might be more beneficial, goes to market and returns with cough drops. Blonde Spouse Sniffle-uf-a-gus and 5 Year Old With A New Mouthful of Cavities immediately cease coughing fits.

1 week later Brunette Self finds herself hacking away, Blonde Spouse Sniffle-uf-a-gus looks through medicine cabinet and advises me we are all out of cough drops, but he found another bag of Werther's Originals. *rolls eyes*

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Chronicles of My Life with a Blonde, part 14: "HAMMERTIME"

Blonde Spouse has long since been banned from power tools. There is a long story in that that involves blood...let's just leave it at that.
We are putting in a new shelving unit in our bedroom, and Brunette Self had just completed cutting the shelf to size. Brunette Self assigns the task of removing the nails from the top shelving piece (reclaimed wood) to Blonde Spouse, assuming safety due to the Blonde Spouse being denied power tools. Brunette Self watches in horror as Blonde Spouse leans wood piece against kitchen sink, and proceeds to attempt to knock out the nails by hitting the tips. The wood, mind you, has the nail tip side facing Blonde Spouse, so he can obtain better "leverage." Blonde Spouse begins hammering nail tips, bending them in the process. Brunette Self pleads with Blonde Spouse to stop "before you hurt yourself." Blonde Spouse is offended Brunette Wife cannot be more supportive. Blonde Spouse then proceeds to whack one of the nail tips at the top of the board, driving the bottom row of nail tips into said Blonde Spouse's foot. Brunette Self bites tongue.
Brunette Self places new shelf down into shelf unit and on top of the support brackets of wood already mounted on the inside of the unit. Brunette Self, thinking, Blonde Spouse would be safer driving in nails rather than pulling them out, offers to have Blonde Spouse nail the shelf in. Thinking Blonde Spouse will drive a few nails attaching the board to the support, and perhaps one on each side in the front of the unit and on the back of the unit on the outside, Brunette Self hands Blonde Spouse the hammer and a box of nails and proceeds to sit down and play Word Search games.
Brunette Self gets highly involved in finding words in the puzzles, drones out the hammering coming from the bedroom. Brunette Self snaps out of it and then realizes Blonde Spouse has been hammering for quite some time. Brunette Self, feeling much like a horror movie victim about to discover the first body in the other room, wanders into the bedroom to check on the status of shelf nailing. Brunette Self is greeted with this:

chronicles of my life with a blond

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Chronicles of My Life With a Blonde, part 13: The UnHandy Handyman

On Wednesday of last week, the Blonde Spouse and Brunette Self agreed that the main bathroom shower/tub unit needed recalking. Blonde Spouse heartily agreed to take on the task. Brunette Self feels sense of foreboding. *shudders*

"Hon?" Brunette Self ventures.

"Yea, babe."

"Do you know where you put the caulking gun and supplies?" Queries Brunette Self, and directs reader to refer to part 12: Dis-Organization for further details. "We cannot afford to get more caulking and a new caulking gun right now, King County wants their blood--er, TAX money on the 31st."

Blonde Spouse diligently removes trim around top of tub/base of shower surround and treats area with mildew preventer. Blonde Spouse places trim, with nails still in it, with nails pointing upward on the base of the tub. Brunette Self asks why nail points are pointing up (and figures explaining REMOVING NAILS FROM TRIM IS MOST SAFE OPTION is too difficult and lengthy to get into at the moment), and Blonde Spouse snappingly replies it's so the nails don't scratch the tub. *BITES TONGUE*

Blonde Spouse forgot to remove remaining tidbits of caulking prior to using mildew preventer. Tidbits of Napalm like caulking hang dripping with mildew preventer (that Brunette Self is highly allergic to) around the shower surround. Blonde Spouse also forgot to take into account drying time of mildew preventer, thus extending the project back into his work week. Brunette self, several eye rolls later and pondering if we can budget in anti-histamines to combat the welts and swelling, offers to complete the project if Blonde Spouse will locate caulking and caulking gun.

Blonde Spouse states, "There behind the door in the master bathroom."

Brunette self simply ignores nagging need to try to rationalize why Blondus Spousus Dis-Organizedus would consider this the most prime location for home maintenance supplies, and simply says, "Ok."

It is now Sunday of next week, Brunette Self has managed to remove napalm dripping caulk tidbits from unit without putting herself into the hospital. Brunette looks behind doors in master bathroom for caulking supplies and caulking supplies and gun.

Brunette Self musters up the courage to educate Blonde Spousus of the Work Week Grumpus on Monday evening, "Hon, the caulking stuff wasn't where you said it would be. Are you sure you didn't move it?"

Blonde Spousus of the Work Week Grumpus pretends not to hear Brunette Self. This tells Brunette Self that Blonde Spousus of the Work Week Grumpus has dis-organized these items so far that even he does not know where they are...they are indefinitely MIA.

Having a family of four share one bathroom for the next two weeks awaiting Blonde Spousus Dis-Organizedus' next paycheck in order to purchase new caulking supplies and gun: ANNOYING.


Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Chronicles of My Life with a Blonde, part 12: "Dis-Organization"

I've come to realize that my Blonde Spouse has some pretty odd habits when it comes to organization. He will look at a box of random items, select the biggest thing in the box (say, "a pan") and determine it is all kitchen stuff. We've lived in our house for over 4 years now, and I still can't find everything he "organized."
Yet, Blonde Spouse is surprisingly anal about the weirdest things: his pillows must be arranged perfectly perpendicular to each other in order to sleep, toilet paper must be folded and not bunched, just to name a few.
My Brunette Virgo-ness has begun to wear off on Blonde Spouse, the last time he packed for a camping trip, he proudly announced, "I have made a list." My Brunnete Virgo-ness' heart jumped with joy and promptly fell to my shoes when he presented me with "the list."
"The list" consisted of a complex drawing with arrows, curved lines connecting items and the occasional "oh, shit, I don't know where that is" comment. There were bubbles connected to other bubbles, big X's over duplicate items, etc. Blonde Spouse determined that we required 6 rolls of toilet paper (for a two day trip), replacement flashlight bulbs, but apparently plates and silverware were not important items...neither was propane or the tent. ?? I attempted to point this out but angered Blonde Spouse, who stated "I can do this!"
We arrived at said campsite to discover he had packed the tent (after I suggested it), but forgot the poles. We had 3 replacement light bulbs but no batteries for the flashlights. We had six rolls of toilet paper but no biodegradable chemical for the port-a-potty. We had tarps but no rope to hang them. We had signs to post but no staples to post them. *sigh* Brunette Virgo-ness has taken over the packing lists, and has resigned herself to composing a "secret" list to assure this never happens again.

Friday, October 3, 2008

Chronicles of My Life with a Blonde, part 11: Ordering Take-Out

Sometimes my Brunette Self is afraid to order anything with Blonde Spouse, fearing disgruntled food service workers may spit in my food in frustration with the order.

We roll up to the order menu, “May I take your order.”

Blonde Spouse, “I’ll take a cheeseburger, please. No ketchup but mustard, no tomato but onion, no pickles but mayonnaise.”

Disgruntled food service worker, “So, you want a cheeseburger with pickles and mayonnaise?”

Blonde Spouse, “No! No pickles but mayonnaise, with onions but no tomato and no ketchup but mustard.”

Disgruntled food service worker, “So you want a cheeseburger plain?”

Angry Blonde Spouse, “NO! Mayonnaise no ketchup, mustard no pickles, onions no tomato!”

Brunette Self, “I’ll just get a #3, please. Surprise me on the pop.”

Angry Blonde Spouse, “Did you get that?”

Disgruntled food service worker, “*audible sigh of annoyance* Please pull forward to the first window.”

Brunette Self turns to Blonde Spouse, “Why don’t you just order a cheeseburger with mayonnaise, onion and mustard?”

Blonde Spouse, “Because that would be too complicated.”

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Chronicles of My Life with a Blonde, part 10: Painting the Fence

A few years ago we installed a 6 foot tall wooden privacy fence in our backyard and drowned it in clear sealer. Sadly, only two years later, it needed to be re-sealed.

The original sealer did a lousy job of keeping it's beautiful cedarness, so we opted to stain it this time around in addition to sealing the wood. We only had enough redwood stain to do one side of the fence, and enough red mahogany stain to do the other side.

Brunette self, "Hon, why don't we mix the two stains together?"

Blonde spouse, "Why would we do that? We might run out of color!"

Brunette self, taking deep breath, "Honey, wouldn't we run out regardless of whether or not we mixed them, since we have equal parts of both?"

Blonde spouse, "No way! I'm going to paint the outside redwood and the inside mahogany!" Result? Two toned fence.

Brunette self resorts to abandoning ill-logical debate and wonders if Blonde spouse shouldn't be running for president.

Chronicles of My Life with a Blonde, part 9: Urinal Soap

We went camping for my friend's "21 again" birthday, in which our usual campsite had been closed. We found ourselves, begrudgingly, at a new site hosting no water but a port-a-potty.

As Oponn and I journeyed to town to purchase water, we left our daughters (Oponn's Nemo, age3; and my Ana, age 4) in the care of the Blondus Spousus of the Dingle-Dorfus.

Upon our return, we discovered Ana had a terrible bout of diarrhea. Taking Ana to the port-a-potty for her third trip of the afternoon, I stayed to keep her company while she finished. Ana points to the urinal on the side of the port-a-potty and asks me what the pink 'soap' is for. I look at Ana and tell her, "Ew, that's where boys pee!"

Ana, looking quite mortified, exclaimed angrily, "But Daddy (Blondus Spousus of the Dingle-Dorfus) said it was soap! He did!"

I sigh and turn to yell down the hill to Blondus Spousus of the Dingle-Dorfus and ask him if he did, indeed, advise the girls the urinal cake was "soap." Blondus Dorkus yelled back that he had, citing he felt it was safer than referring to it as "cake."

Ana began to cry and said, "Daddy said it was soap, so Nemo and I washed our hands with it." Aha…no wonder child is experiencing diarrhea. Spray down both children in lysol and demand Blondus Dorkus be in charge of their diarrhea the rest of the weekend.

Unbelievably, Blondus Spousus of the Dingle-Dorfus is still breathing!

Friday, September 19, 2008

Chronicles of My Life With a Blonde, part 8: Laundry Logic

Blonde spouse begins to throw all colors of laundry and white into washer. He only fills it 1/4 full and proceeds to turn the wash water to large load.

Brunnette self, water conscious, asks what the F*** he is doing.

Blonde spouse looks at Brunnette self like she's a moron, "Adding more water will keep the reds from staining the whites."

Chronicles of My Life with a Blonde, part 7: The Jenga Fire

Blondes + Lamp Oil + "Fire From Space!" = Part 7, of Chronicles of My Life with a Blonde: "The Jenga Fire."

Whilst camping, Brunnette self ponders the sanity of what's she's about to ask of Blondus Spousus of the Leo Signus Pyro-ness, but decides to risk it..."Would you please start a cooking fire in the fire pit?"

Blonde spouse bangs wood on a rock with hatchet to make a large pile of kindling. Brunnette self swears she hears a faint series of "ughs" drifting on the wind...wonders if her My Space friend, Sasquatch, has decided to crash the party.

Blonde spouse begins to erect large tower of kindling in infinity style Jenga pattern, until the tower is nearly 8 inches high. Brunnette self -- torn -- between the satiating with inquiry the morbid curiosity on why Blonde spouse is making a tower with no coals beneath it to start the kindling on fire...and watching to see the rationale of Blondus Spousus of the Leo Signus Pyro-ness of building the campfire upside down, wondering if at any moment he will declare "JENGA!"

Alas, morbid curiosity wins..."Honey," Brunnette self musters.

"Yes, dear." Blondus Spousus of the Leo Signus Pyro-ness

"Why are you building the campfire upside down?"

"So the coals are higher up and closer to the cooking grill."

Brunnette self gulps and hides the lamp oil.

Chronicles of My Life With a Blonde, part 6: Baby Barricades

With the birth of our daughter, my blonde spouse decided it was safest to 'contain' her in one room while he cooked dinners. Each night I would come home, be unable to open the door...knock and wait 5 minutes while a great racket arouse on the other side of the door. My blonde spouse, decided baby fences were not 'enough.' Instead, he created the ever growing "baby barricade." Blonde spouse's "Baby Barricades" were an arrangement of furniture (usually endtables and chairs), with pillows and blankets shoved underneath them, and pots and pans along the top...a sort of alarm system, of sorts. We found "Baby Barricades" also made exceptional "Catch the Teens Sneaking Outs" or "Crooks Sneaking Ins" alarm systems as well, not to mention the ever popular "Blow out your discs in your back taking a midnight trip to the fridge" diet coaches as well.

Chronicles of My Life with a Blonde, part 5: Banned Tools

Blonde spouse, "I think I'll change that burnt out light bulb in the bedroom light fixture."

Brunette self mumbles, "Let me make sure we're current on the health insurance."

Blonde spouse disappears into the bedroom. Cussing and swearing float back down the hallway to my waiting brunette ears...followed by hammering...HAMMERING?!? and..."Hooooneeeeeeey, I need your help!" *sigh*

Brunette self wanders down the hall and into the bedroom, where blonde spouse stands on stepladder, holding entire light fixture (now with short in the wiring) danging ON between his arms..."ouch-ouch-ouch-ouch! It's hot!" blonde spouse whines.

Brunnette self counts to 10, asks blonde spouse why he didn't turn off the light first and then unscrew the glass covers, followed by unscrewing of the lightbulb from the socket leading to screwing in a new bulb. "THEY UNSCREW?!?"

*brunette head bangs against wall*

3 trips to the hardware store to fix wire short, buy new mount screw for fixture: $25.
2 hours of swearing under breath while fixing light fixture: exhausting.
Writing another episiode of Chronicles of My Life With a Blonde: PRICELESS.

Chronicles of My Life with a Blonde, part 4: FASHION


Blonde daughter presents herself in the above attire, gleefully informing me that blonde spouse of mine has selected this outfit for her. I wander into the room where spouse is diligently surfing the internet and ask, "What were you thinking?" and point at said blonde daughter. Blonde spouse glances at blonde daughter, looks at me and replies, "But they match...they're pink!"

Chronicles of My Life with a Blonde, part 3: Drunk Driver

On the freeway, blonde spouse is driving and brunnette self notices we are now weaving back and forth in our lane. Brunnette self looks over at blonde spouse, who is gleefully chugging a Henry Weinart's Root Beer. Brunnette self also notices several other drivers reaching for cell phones to report 'root beer' drunk driver. Mentions to blonde spouse that chugging a beverage that looks like beer may not be the wisest of choices while driving and weaving. Blonde spouse cannot fathom why, states if they are so concerned they can buy their own Root Beer. *smacks forehead*

Chronicles of My Life with a Blonde, part 2: Paying Bills

Brunette self: "The check to pay the Home Depot bill is right by the door."

Blonde spouse: "Ok."

Brunette self: "Do you have your Home Depot card?"

Blonde spouse: "S***!" (Bedroom, bathroom and kitchen are ripped to shreds.)

Blonde spouse: "Found it."

Brunette self: "See you in about an hour."

Blonde spouse: "Ok."

(Discovery of check next to door about 25 minutes after blonde departs. Calls cell phone.)

Brunette self: "Where are you?"

Blonde spouse: "Home Depot."

Brunette self: "You missing anything?"

Blonde spouse: "Nope. Got my card, my id, my wallet, my car keys, my cell phone."

Brunette self: "How about a check to pay the bill?"

Blonde spouse: "Crap."

Chronicles of My Life with a Blonde, part 1: Running Errands

Brunette self: "So you're gonna go to Costco after picking up the kids?"

Blonde spouse: "Of course."

Brunette self: "Do you have your Costco card?"

Blonde spouse: "Of course."

Brunette self: "Are you sure?"

Blonde spouse: "Of course."

Brunette self: "Ok, drive safe."

Blonde spouse: "Of course." (Pitter patter of Blonde spouse feet down the front steps, followed by a car door slamming and the sound of the car backing out the driveway. Puppy petting commences. 5 minutes later the sound of a car pulling into the driveway, followed by a car door slamming and the sound of stomping up the front steps).

Brunette self: "What did you forget?"

Blonde spouse: "The Costco card."