Sunday, January 17, 2010

Chronicles of My Life with a Blonde, part 18: Pimp Daddy drop off in Hooker Land

“All rise for the honorable justice McWhinesAlot.”

“Please be seated.” gavel strike “We call to order the Superior Court in the matter of the State of Washington versus Brunette Self, murder in the first degree. Prosecuting attorney, you may proceed with your opening remarks.”

“Thank you, your honor. Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, the state intends to show that Brunette Self, on the evening of January 16th, did indeed and with malice murder Blonde Spouse by telling him he could light the BBQ propane directly in the canister with a blow torch. We intend to show that the Blonde Spouse was incapable of understanding this would have explosive results.“ The prosecutor sits down.

“ We intend to show that the defendant, Brunette Self, was driven mad by the constant and consistent torment of having to clean up all the disaster created by Blonde Spouse through his, ah, utter Blondeness.

“I present into evidence exhibits 1-17, Chronicles of my Life with a Blonde. This provides rock solid evidence that any normal, Brunette individual would be driven to temporary insanity by these antics. And now, to the day at hand. Let me preface this entry by imbuing the court with the knowledge that this was NOT the best day for the Brunette Self. In sum, her whole day was a disaster, or, the Universe screamed “YOU SHOULD STAY IN BED ALL DAY“ and she failed to listen.

“She was to work a shift as security dispatch for Rustycon, a local science fiction convention. She’d packed a backpack with a change of clothes, two thermoses of coffee and hardboiled eggs for her pregnant friend who was craving eggs. While getting ready to go she locked myself in the closet (the door knob came off in her hand) . This was immediately followed by finding her favorite shirt and the discovery that somehow, most likely assisted by her disgruntled teen forced to do chores, had avoided both the wash and dry cycles and was hanging, soiled, in the closet. Plan B put into action…another outfit located and procured.

“She then popped into the shower, while her ‘infinitely helpful’ Blonde Spouse offered to look up the hotel address for her while she was in the shower and put it in the GPS. She provided said Blonde Spouse with the Rustycon url where he could then obtain the proper address. She was unaware, he would not follow this sound advice and instead procure the address from ‘the thin air of his memories.’

“They left with plenty of time to arrive at the hotel and to locate the office before the beginning of her shift. However, Blonde Spouse determined the GPS was “just clueless” and took his own route, thereby cutting down her arrival time from 20 minutes early to 13 minutes early. Blonde Spouse then drove her to the wrong hotel and dumped her off there. I would like to call attention to the fact that the hotel was located in a seedy part of town, Hooker Land. I would also like to mention that Brunette Self is disabled, has difficulty walking and was carrying a large backpack full of eggs, coffee and clothes, and no working cell phone. She had to walk 2 miles to find the nearest payphone and call her mother n law with a credit card to come and rescue her. Along the way, she had a grand adventure in hooker land, though, almost got beat up by two hookers for "working their block" and nearly got recruited by a pimp (thank goodness for Motel 6 waiting room!) who mistook her for an "independent". She was also tormented by a gaggle of vicious seagulls moving in on the hardboiled eggs, she suffered “Roaming McDonalds Breakfast” trauma.

“Upon her rescue and return to home, her friend Krystal attempted to cheer her up by taking her for a bowl of Pho. While there, Brunette Self rubbed her eyes after handling the jalapenos, effectively tear gassing herself. She also discovered after talking with another friend, that Blonde Spouse had dropped her off one block away from the correct hotel…which drove my client into a fury that she, understandably, unleashed upon Blonde Spouse when she directed him to the BBQ. The prosecution has no basis for this charge, the Brunette Self did not murder Blonde Spouse, he simply blew himself up in an unfortunate situation, being the victim of his own Blondeness., a terminal condition.”

“Has the jury reached a verdict?”

“We have, your honor.”

“What say you?”

“We find the defendant, Brunette Self, not guilty of all charges of murder and determine the explosion resulting in simple blondeness.”

“Thank you, Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, Brunette Self, you are released from custody.”

“This Fox 13 news, standing here with the prosecuting attorney on the Blonde Spouse murder case. How does the prosecutors office feel about the verdict today?”

“There is still substantial evidence that the Brunette Self is guilty of murder, Blondes everywhere must be protected. However, she was found innocent of all charges by a jury of her peers…consisting solely of brunettes.”

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